Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Spin Class Hero

I see you back there. You are bouncing up and down on the saddle as if it were some strange contraption you purchased from Adam & Eve dot com. You are not sweating. Your breathing is not labored. I'm not really sure what you are doing back there but I'm fairly certain you can find a better way to spend your time than simply keeping that seat warm. There is a resistance knob within your reach. Give it a turn or seven. It will be fun, I promise. If you are not in class to sweat your arse off then you should at least be ringing a cow bell and screaming my name.

Yeah, I'm that guy. I'm in the front row wearing a full team kit. Why? Well thank you for asking. I wear my team kit because I don't have a skin suit yet. As soon as that arrives in the mail I will be the fastest guy in the front row. If you think that spin class is not a competition then you may not have lived a single day in your life. I don't come to class for you. I come to class for the guy who sees me in my skin suit with an aero helmet and shoe covers and secretly wishes he had thought of that. It could be argued that one can not gain any aerodynamic advantage by wearing such clothing while riding a stationary bicycle. Consider it noted.

My main weapon against my spin class rivals is intimidation. When my classmates arrive they take one look at me in my pro level kit and know they are racing for second. The front row is for champions. That is where are all the guys with shaved legs ride. We secretly check each other out and evaluate how hard the others are working. Don't kid yourself front row riders. You know it to be true. Oh, you added one turn on the resistance knob....well sod off suckball. I added two. I'll grind it out in a huge gear until my heart explodes if it means that just for one second you question which one of us is faster outside this room. I will leave this room drenched in sweat with cramps in both legs and my eyes falling back into my skull for no other reason than to plant the seed of doubt.

Rest easy for now fellow spin freaks, but be warned. When you get to class tonight I'll have your name taped to my stem.

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