Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Test the Strength of Your Marriage Using My Simple Three Step Program

Have you ever asked yourself the following questions?

1. Does my spouse really love me?
2. Have I forged a lifelong relationship with my partner?
3. Is there a way to test my spouse's love?
4. Where did that rash come from?

Thanks to my proven three step program I can help you answer the first three questions above. As for the fourth one you are on your own. Seriously, that's nasty.

The key to my proven system is conducting the test in a controlled setting. Much like the GRE, if the test is not conducted under the prescribed conditions the results will not be valid. The set up is very simple. You must wait to conduct the test until the day after your spouse has given up her entire Saturday cleaning your home to a standard that would make most hospital operating rooms look like the kitchen at a Kentucky Fried Taco Hut. Now check the bathtub. Does it squeak when you run your finger across the bottom? Success. The stage is set.

Step one will require some work on your part. First, tell your wife you are going for a quick ride and will be back in time for lunch. Leave at 11am and don't return for 4 1/2 hours. This seemingly insignificant detail is crucially important to the success of the test. Your ride needs to include trails that are covered in copious amounts of mud with a consistency resembling that of jello pudding. For best results, do this on a day when the air temperature is cold enough to freeze the mud to your bike upon contact. Feel free to complete multiple laps to ensure your bike is covered in the appropriate amount of mud. With 4 1/2 hours to kill you will have plenty of time. Does your bike resemble the one in the picture below? If you answered yes then you are ready to conduct the test.

Step two begins upon your return home. Without apologizing for being late you should walk in the front door and throw all of your muddy clothes onto the freshly cleaned carpet. Are there big chunks of frozen mud on the floor? Excellent. You are doing so well.

The third and final step of my program will either reassure you that you are happily married or confirm that you need to start looking for your own apartment. Place your mud covered bike directly into the squeaky clean bathtub. Don't worry about getting mud on the bathroom floor. That is a good thing.

Using water hot enough to thaw the frozen mud, hose down your bike and give it a thorough scrubbing. If you have done everything properly up to this point you should now have a river of mud flowing through your bathtub. Examine the picture below and if your bathtub matches the photo you are good to go.

Now it's time to test the strength of your marriage. Take your spouse by the hand and carefully walk her into the bathroom with her eyes closed. Make sure she is facing the mud filled bathtub and when she opens her eyes proclaim in in a boisterous voice "Happy Anniversary!"

Are you still married? If you answered yes then good for you. Congratulations on forging a life long bond with your partner. If you failed this simple yet effective test please send me an email as I may be looking for a roommate.

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