Saturday, February 20, 2010

My Fourteen Minute Apology to the World

For the first time since he entered the stuffy world of professional golf(not a sport by the way), I have been inspired by Tiger Woods. I don't watch television so last night I took a moment to log on to the wonder that is you tube and watch Tiger's heart felt(cough cough) confession. Fourteen minutes? Really? Was that necessary? I think not. I watched it anyway. Despite my intense effort I was not able to stomach the press conference in its entirety. I got the basic idea after the first four minutes. He's very very sorry that he cheated on his wife with those less than visually appealing young women. He did not get into the hows and whys but I think we can all assume that they would do all the filthy things his wife would not. I could spend time speculating as to what those things might have been but I will leave that up to you. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

-Livestock in lingerie
-Sticky things in sticky places
-A goat named Steve

Wow, that was a little disturbing.

On to the meat and potatoes of this post. If you are a vegetarian that is not my problem. Stop whining and eat a chicken. A chicken would eat you if it had the chance.

Much like Tiger, I have been unfaithful and am burdened with a heavy heart. There is a love in my life that has been neglected. We were smitten in the beginning but the flame has flickered. I thought we were both pulling away but it appears that I was the only one. I have been thinking about her and why she was once the only one for me. She is pretty in her own way. She moves fast when I want her to and slows down when it feels right. She never says no when I ask her to go for hours. When I need her, she is there. She is my Kona Unit and I once loved her simple beauty. She is a steel single speed with 26" wheels and until recently that was all I needed . Now I need more. What can I say? I'm a wheel man and I love 'em big.

There is a new love in my life. She has big beautiful 29" wheels and a curvy frame. She and I won't be together for another two months but the connection has been made and my affection is now for her alone. My anticipation for her delivery is more than I can handle. I thought I was hiding my excitement but today I learned that my Kona discovered my indiscretion. She knows and she is angry.

Today was the final installment of the Charlotte Mountain Bike Winter Short Track Series. My Kona and I screamed through the course together only two weeks ago. We moved as one. My thoughts were hers and hers were mine. As we flowed through the woods I understood where our initial attraction had begun. As we crossed the finish line together we were on a higher plane. Today was different. She was angry because she knows that I have placed the order for my new bike. How she found out I don't really know but I am now battered and a bit bloody as a result. Lap after lap I could feel that we were disconnected. I begged her for a smooth, fast ride but she resisted. She had only one thought on her mind today. Revenge. She got her wish when she slammed me to the ground on a pile of rocks. Now I have a hole in my leg to match the one in her heart.

I must now apologize for fourteen minutes. Not only to my once faithful companion but to my team, all the racers on course today, and to the world at large. I did something very stupid. I was reckless. I only considered my selfish desires and acted with complete disregard for the feelings of others. This indiscretion was not motivated by any unrest in our relationship. When the truth came out however, I did receive a beating and must be honest about that. She hurt me. She liked it. I'm sincerely sorry and can only hope that forgiveness can one day be granted. Was that fourteen minutes? No. Well go back and read it again but much more slowly. Use a stop watch to help you get the timing right.

Yes beloved readers, there is a new bike on the way. There is no sense in getting into specifics at this point. That will come later. The one thing I will say about this new machine is that it has big beautiful wheels and bigger is definitely better.


  1. Wow - real dirty bike love........


  2. Thats why I allway try to make a clean break. Try to get the old one out a fast as possible.
    So What is this sexy new modle?
    Tom K.

  3. Great post! More, more!