Monday, September 19, 2011

A Prelude to Interbike

Dear readers it has been far too long since I last stood upon my soapbox to cast forth my deranged musings. Because I have neglected you so I am reaching out today with a very special gift. A gift so phenomenal that it will leave you with soiled undergaments and an overhelming sense of joy. Allow me to take a moment to lay the foundation....

This past week I found myself checking an item off my bucket list by attending the Interbike Expo in Las Vegas. Yes, that Las Vegas. I have been told that only old people are allowed to have a bucket list but that is total bollocks. I've got a lot of stuff to do and if putting that stuff in a bucket of some sort increases the likelihood of it getting done then so be it. I also don't feel a need to confine my desires to a bucket. The earth is full of so many incredible things that I have not yet seen that I may require a far larger receptacle. Why would I limit myself to a bucket when I could use something cool like a red wagon with tall wooden sides. Not only would that increase my carrying capacity but it also greatly improves the aesthetic value of my list transportation device.

I anticipate the phrase “wagon list” will be all the rage in 2012

Where was I? Oh yes, your very special gift. My trip to Interbike began with a visit to Douglas Airport where I boarded US Airways flight 383. Upon taking our seats my two travelling companions and I found ourselves with some time to kill. Of course, we did take a few minutes to review the safety manual and familiarize ourselves with the emergency procedures associated with our particular aircraft. We weren't in an exit row but I felt it was important for us to prepare ourselves in the event that the exit row passengers and everyone in the 15 rows separating us from the exit rows were unfit to assist in an emergency. You can never be too careful. Once this important step was out of the way I proceeded to open a copy of In Style Magazine that had been left behind by a kind hearted traveller clearly devoted to the happiness of others. As I flipped through the pages my fellow Interbike attendees and I marveled at the latest fashion trends and took detailed notes so that we could improve our personal wardrobes. Then something truly amazing happened. I turned the page to find the single greatest advertisement that I have ever laid my eyes upon. Ladies and gentlemen I give you......The Most Incredibly Lifelike Baby Monkey Ever!

I want you to take a moment to read this ad in its entirety. Really drink it in. This is no ordinary doll folks. This is a silicone based artificial orangutan that is the size of an actual baby. It warms my heart to know that the world will no longer have to settle for undersized imitation infant monkeys. Take note that this is the first baby monkey in the company's world famous So Truly Real line. Have you not heard of this world famous collection? I'm shocked. Have you been living under a rock with another rock on top of it? Where have you been??!! Just look at it. Soft pliable silicone skin. Wispy, hand rooted hair. Gentle eyes. And that little pink, so precious.

My only real disappointment with this product offering is that it will only be available for a limited time. You should be grateful that I came to you so quickly. As the ad states, high demand is expected. And how could it not be? At the bargain price of $139.99 plus $15.99 shipping and handling I can't see any reason to pass this up. I am left with only one question. Does someone who has $155 to spend on a small rubber orangutan really need to pay over time in five easy installments? My thought is that if you are in a financial position that requires you to make payments on a product like this it might be a sign that a baby monkey collection should not be high on your list of priorities. Of course, if you fail to make the payments I am quite confident that a suitable payment restructuring plan can be identified to suit your needs. This is America after all.

Stay tuned for an in-depth report of my assault on Interbike. The expo had no idea what hit it. In the meantime, I present for your viewing pleasure a video of a baby monkey riding a pig. Sing it with me. Sing it loud.

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