Monday, April 29, 2013

The Adventures of Captain No-Pants

As my regular readers may imagine, I've had a little free time over the course of the past six weeks.  When we last met I thrilled you with the terrifying, dramatic and heart wrenching story of how I broke my leg.  That is how I remember it anyway.  If you weren't crying at the end of my last post you my not have feelings.  You know where people without feelings go, don't you?  That's right, they go to Washington DC.  Do you want to pay those rent prices?  I sure as hell don't so get out the tissues and bring on the tears.

My initial thought after breaking my leg was that I would recover quickly and be running again within six weeks.  I came to this conclusion based on my extensive medical training and comprehensive knowledge of human anatomy.  The fact that I had to pay a little visit to Wikipedia to find out what a fibula was doesn't mean I'm ill equipped to diagnose injuries and recommend treatment plans.  It simply suggests that I will only be able to provide medical services to the most dedicated discount shoppers.  And people from South Carolina.  They won't know the difference anyway.  It's not like they know how to read.

My lengthy foray into the mysterious world of couch surfing left me more than a little bored.  I was once told that only stupid people get bored.  I would like to amend that statement.  There are now two types of people who get bored; stupid people and the physically incapacitated. The good news is that I have handled this entire process with the highest level of dignity and an unwavering focus on both my mental and physical well-being.  It also turns out that I'm a superhero.

The world needs heroes.  Life can be dim and ghastly.  Evil lurks around every corner.  When the light of hope fades to an infinitesimal speck a savior must rise to reignite the flame and champion a new era of human triumph.  Did I mention that I spent two full weeks sitting on the couch in my underwear drinking beer and eating chocolate brownies?   Dairy free, gluten free, IBS friendly chocolate goodness.  Breakfast and dinner both thank you very much.  It was magnificent.  Maybe I cut my brownie into the shape of a dark overlord and laughed manically while I sliced him into bite sized pieces with my spoon.  Then again, maybe I didn't.  Actually, I did.  No pants.  No mercy!!  The evil brownie emperor paid for all the ills of the world and was washed down in a dark brew of water, yeast, malt and hops as Captain No-Pants was draped in an American flag.  Don't you judge me.  Judge the brownie king for all the pain and suffering he caused.  He didn't deserve a trial by jury.  Of course, looking back a jury trial might have been the way to go because then I would have had cookies.

There is no excuse for my terrible eating habits during this ordeal but I can very easily justify my pants-free lifestyle.  Let us simply call it the exuberance of youth.  I recently had the opportunity to spend some quality time with a three year old boy.  Yes, there was another adult present.  Where did you think I was going with this you weirdos?  To protect the innocent I shall refer to this particular three year old at JT.  I'm sure that no one will crack my secret code. Of course, any teenage girls reading this may assume that I've been spending time with Justin Timberlake and that thought is far more terrifying than the idea of me hanging out with a child.  Where was I?  Yes, the pants.  There has been a recurring event during each of my visits to the home of the intrepid JT.  I can't help but notice that he takes his pants off at every possible opportunity.  Sometimes he has something on underneath.  Sometimes he doesn't.  But each time he squeals with joy as he flings his trousers to the floor.  With a smile that nearly splits his head he runs unencumbered across the floor without a second thought to the social norms that dictate keeping one's lower half covered.  Do his actions justify mine?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  Either way, if he can do it I can too and if the UPS man doesn't like it he can just leave my packages at the door without a signature.

So if you want the plain boring truth about my recovery all I can say is that I'm plugging along just fine.  My X-Ray on the 19th showed that the break in the fibular head has not fully healed but is not far from it.  I am under strict orders not to run or ride my mountain bike until May 20th.  Three more weeks.  In the meantime I have engaged in some light hiking, rides on the greenway and daily laps in the pool.  The bone will be 100% healed by this time next month.  My knee on the other hand is a different story.  That is going to take a very long time to fully recover.  How long?  Let's just say there will be a birthday, a couple religious holidays and a superbowl along the way.  But not to worry.  I've learned a great deal from this experience.  Or maybe I've learned nothing at all.....

Back to racing before the end of the year?
Damn right I will be.