Friday, April 18, 2014

Much Too Much - Part 1

There once was a beautiful girl with olive skin who lived with a pasty young man from the great white north. He was incredibly handsome in a scrawny, European sort of way but without the all smoking and the skinny jeans. From far away he may have been mistaken for a larger man by those with poor eyesight or the mentally ill.  Perhaps through creative positioning or with proper lighting he could have been made to appear larger in photographs.  In an artist's rendering on canvas our hero would have been most impressive.  He probably would have been wearing a cape.

Damn you Google, when I asked for a picture of a handsome prince 
this is not at all what I had in mind.

Our hero and his female companion lived in a magical place known as the suburbs.  A land of chain restaurants and strip malls where people moved about in something called automobiles.  Historians have argued for generations about the necessity of this form of transportation.  Long into the future they will undoubtedly determine that all suburban-dwellers were physically handicapped.  The young suburban couple in our story owned two such vehicles and utilized them daily to travel any distance greater than 50 feet.  You see, the suburbs were designed not for people, but for cars.  Even something as simple as crossing the street was nigh impossible because of the intentional omission of crosswalks, sidewalks or any sort of walk for that matter.  But alas, the suburbs drew new inhabitants like flies to dung.  

In this land of tasteless food and shopping malls, people built castles and surrounded them with large tracts of land.  The pasty prince and his Italian bride lived in a castle named Anderson where they each had their own private bed chamber with attached water closet.  Although not a particularly bad idea given the young man's gastrointestinal disorder it does, upon further review, seem a bit excessive for each person to have more than 600 square feet all to themselves.  And it should not go unmentioned that the automobile had its own room as well.  What a lucky automobile.
2D Floor Plan image 1 for the Anderson Floor Plan of Property Autumn Park Apartments
One day the handsome prince and his lovely little Italian were sitting on opposite ends of their abode speaking to each other through a device known as an iPhone.  For those around the campfire who are unfamiliar with this technology it is worth mentioning that an iPhone is a hand-held computer primarily utilized for playing video games and looking at pictures of scantily clad women on the something called the internet.  Or at least that is what our prince was told.  Our prince would only ever use such a device to research biblical passages and call his mother.  He was a very good prince indeed. 

The intrepid suburban dwellers had an epiphany while sitting on opposite ends of their cavernous home.  Perhaps their castle was too big.  Perhaps they had too much stuff.  And maybe, just maybe, the suburbs were not the highest evolution of human habitat design.  Better than a cave, yes.  But not by much. And definitely more expensive.  

Out of the Anderson they ran throwing their belongings every which way.  Saving only their most essential possessions and moving into a much more modestly sized domicile, the heroes of our story moved into the city.  Into a 27 floor high rise they ran singing the praises of high-density living and shared resources all the way.  When the story continues we'll surely find our former suburbanites smugly running through the streets with nary a car key in their pockets.  What adventures will they undertake?  Will sharing a bathroom lead to their doom?  Will our handsome prince ever use Google again?  Only time will tell.